13dpiui and Feeling All the Feels

We’re getting close to the end of our fourth 2WW. Fertility Friend thinks my period should start Wednesday (I think Thursday), so for now there is still nothing to do but sit and wait and feel a little discouraged.

I’m pretty sure we’re out this month. My BBT dipped low yesterday (back up again today, but that seems happened last month too) and I don’t feel any symptoms other than the usual pangs and aches of PMS. No sign of implantation, either. My progesterone was only at 10.9 last week.

So…crap.

Elizabeth and I decided to take a 2-month break after this cycle for mental health reasons and also to find a new doctor. We’ve both become increasingly discouraged by our clinic these last few months. Whenever I think of our doctor I picture her shrugging or gazing absently at a point over my shoulder. And the nurses are hit or miss, with only a couple of genuinely caring NPs among the brusque, hurried ones whom we come across far more frequently. (One tells us we should really get a progesterone test, while the next scoffs at me for requesting it and says, “We’ll check your progesterone when you get pregnant.” NURSE PLEASE!)

It’s a really well-rated clinic, but it seems to be more geared toward IVF. When I see groggy but triumphant women being wheeled out of the egg retrieval room, I wonder if we are doing the right thing. We had talked about going to IVF next, but let’s be realistic–we’re talking about $15,000 here just to up our chances from slim to possible.

(Not to mention my uterus has already chewed up and spit out over $3,000 worth of sperm.)

Part of me is looking forward to some time off so I can drink wine again and chart naturally without the contamination of Ovidrel and added stress. We’re going to take a little road trip with our dog to visit friends in a couple of weeks, then make a quick family visit the month after. I am trying to stay open and friendly with these awful feelings of failure–I am sure my parents are going to wonder, though they may be too polite to ask, why I am not pregnant when we visit–but sometimes the sinking feeling that something is wrong with my body is too much to hold. During those times I feel the urge to keep going without a break, so the soothing momentum of trying can keep sweeping me along.

After all, you can keep yourself so busy while TTC! There’s the bustle of monitoring for ovulation, then the hopeful ultrasounds and IUIs, and even during the 2WW you’ve got to track your temp every morning and inform FF of all the little things you’ve noticed–cold hands! purple nipples!–and watch the peaks and valleys of your chart unfold every day. Sometimes I just open FF and look at my chart for no reason other than pure fascination of this weird intelligence inside my body. Like, I just sit on the toilet and stare at it.

But it’s probably good to rest for a bit, and come back energized in July. At least to give my cervix a break. I’ve had one hand on the little guy for the last four months.

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7 comments

    1. No testing…I can’t bear the blank white space. It taunts me! It’s easier for me to just let my period start.

    1. They ARE! I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time too. If I didn’t have other women’s blogs to read I think I’d go crazy.

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