Yesterday, a good friend of mine told me she is pregnant.
I’m glad she told me over g-chat, because the second I read the sentence I burst into tears. “We weren’t even really planning on it!” she said. Main emotions here = jealousy, grief, frustration, and deep shame that I don’t feel happy for her.
So I typed out something like OMG@!!! CONGRATS!!!! WOW CRAP I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING!! BYEEE and logged off. And fetched my wife and sobbed onto her shoulder for a good hour. I haven’t had a good cry like that in awhile–the shoulder-shaking, sob-from-the-throat, can’t-breathe kind.
It felt pretty good, actually. Cleansing.
Pregnancy announcements among our friends are popping up weekly now, which I guess is to be expected in our 30s. And each one makes me feel like shit. Shit because I am jealous, and then extra shit because I am ashamed that I am jealous.
BTW: I am really only bruised by the “whoops” pregnancies. The “we didn’t even plan on it!” ones. There is so much (fertile) heterosexual privilege woven into these statements it burns a hole in my chest.
It’s made me extra sensitive to the fact that someday when we do get pregnant, we won’t even realize how deeply our announcement might hurt some people. My god, how does anyone move through the world without breaking someone’s heart?
I had my beta two days ago, and the nurse’s voice when she called back was oozing with pity. That’s officially 6 failed IUI cycles for me–ME, the under-35, healthy, clear-tubed, high ovarian reserve, acupuncture-getting woman with the stellar donor who has had no problems knocking other women up.
Some things in life just do not come easily.
Today is 16dpo and I’m still waiting for my period to arrive. Elizabeth and I met with our doctor this morning to talk about IVF options, and we were treated quite differently than we ever have before. This time our doctor personally came out to the waiting room to fetch us, shook our hands, complimented my haircut, and after our discussion gave us her number to call anytime. I guess if you are willing to write a check for $18k you get treated like it. That’s kind of nice.
Anyway, we decided we’re going with one final IUI in November with a new donor and trying Femara instead of Clomid, since my lining has been so thin. Then it’s on to IVF. Our doctor spent some time drawing a nice thick uterus and ovaries on a scratch piece of paper, explaining the whole timeline and what we can expect. Our clinic has a good program that includes 6 fresh transfers and 6 FETs–if you don’t take a live baby home from the hospital after that, you get all your money back. Our doctor said they have a 90% success rate with this program. My heart leaped a bit when she wrote that number at the top of the uterus drawing.
So here’s hoping.
This cycle I did something I never do: I bought Dollar Tree tests and started peeing on them at 7dpo. And now I see why they are so crazymaking! I got a faint line at 7dpo (the end of my trigger), then nothing 8-10dpo, then a faint faint squinter yesterday with FMU. A second Dollar Tree test last night was negative…so I took a FRER this morning, day 12, and it’s stark white. I cancelled my beta this morning because it seems pointless.
I also picked up a nasty cold Saturday while working an event that I’ve been planning for a long time–not sure whether someone I hugged passed their germs on, or my immune system is just shutting down after months of preparation for the event. Either way I feel horrible. Sore throat, chest cold for the past two days. It’s actually a blessing–being sick takes up so much energy that it helps distract me from the disappointment of the BFNs.
But Elizabeth and I spent a lot of time yesterday talking about next steps. This year I did 7 iuis with our original donor, whose supply is wiped out now, and our insurance coverage for the year has also run out. So we’re meeting with our doctor on Friday, but I think the plan is going to be:
- Pay OOP for one more iui with a new donor in November–no Clomid, nothing fancy, just to see if the reason I can’t get pregnant is because donor #1 and I don’t mesh.
- Start IVF in January. I really wish it won’t come to that, but it’s looking more and more like we’ve come up that “last resort” finally.
In the meantime I can’t help but notice that literally every single woman in the world except me is pregnant. RIGHT?? 😉
First, a question for you ladies–how many follicles do you usually have on each side? I typically have 18-22 small on each side at my baseline (plus a cyst), and then about 13-15 on each side when I trigger (in addition to at least one biggie). My AMH is on the high side (8.3), which makes me suspect PCOS–but I don’t have any symptoms, and I ovulate regularly. FSH, estrodial, LH, thyroid are all normal. My RE says not to worry about the cyst or the large amount of follicles; my acupuncturist says it’s a problem.
This morning I had IUI #6, which is looking more and more like the Final One Ever, because at some point you just have to throw in the towel. I used our last vial of our donor–we thought we had bought enough for both of us to get pregnant–and now the bank is completely out of him.
Everything seemed right–nice big follicles, ovulation pain right on time, an easy procedure, I felt relaxed and got acupuncture right afterwards. But we’ve had many cycles that seemed really promising, were timed just right, and nothing. So my expectations of success are pretty low at this point.
I think the last BFN hit a nerve. My period was several days late, which got my hopes way up, and even after it started and I went in for a baseline ultrasound, the nurse made me take an HCG blood test because my uterus “looked like it could be pregnant.”
This is a fluke thing that happens sometimes, apparently, when your uterine lining doesn’t shed quickly enough. Of course the result was BFN again, and it seemed a little at that point like the universe was rubbing salt in an increasingly sore wound.
So here we are, at the beginning of another 2WW. I usually feel so hopeful at the beginning, but I’m feeling a little defeated already.