Ouch

Yesterday, a good friend of mine told me she is pregnant.

I’m glad she told me over g-chat, because the second I read the sentence I burst into tears. “We weren’t even really planning on it!” she said. Main emotions here = jealousy, grief, frustration, and deep shame that I don’t feel happy for her.

So I typed out something like OMG@!!! CONGRATS!!!! WOW CRAP I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING!! BYEEE and logged off. And fetched my wife and sobbed onto her shoulder for a good hour. I haven’t had a good cry like that in awhile–the shoulder-shaking, sob-from-the-throat, can’t-breathe kind.

It felt pretty good, actually. Cleansing.

Pregnancy announcements among our friends are popping up weekly now, which I guess is to be expected in our 30s. And each one makes me feel like shit. Shit because I am jealous, and then extra shit because I am ashamed that I am jealous.

BTW: I am really only bruised by the “whoops” pregnancies. The “we didn’t even plan on it!” ones. There is so much (fertile) heterosexual privilege woven into these statements it burns a hole in my chest.

It’s made me extra sensitive to the fact that someday when we do get pregnant, we won’t even realize how deeply our announcement might hurt some people. My god, how does anyone move through the world without breaking someone’s heart?

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7 comments

  1. I can totally relate. The whoops pregnancies kill me for that same reason–I would love to even be able to consider the possibility of a whoops pregnancy. (Except that I wouldn’t…)

  2. Crying releases endorphins…the harder you cry, the more that gets released and it toooooootalllyyyy makes you feel better. We’re at that age where our friends are either partying and getting wasted every night or having babies…for a long time I was envious of both but then realized, I’m just where I should be…it’ll happen for you guys and then you’ll be the obnoxious ones…lol!

  3. This is definitely something that has been happening to me for the past 3 years… My poor wife feels so bad when I burst into tears and I can’t even figure out why I’m so hurt… jealousy is an ugly beast! I still haven’t found the means to completely understand those feelings! Sweet treats and kisses help, so that’s what I recommend until you have your own news to share 🙂
    Love and Joy~

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