Month: April 2015

Heartbeat, love, and nausea at 7w3d

I was so nervous before our scan today–but all went well. Our little frog measured right on target at 7w3d, and so we graduated from our infertility clinic and are headed out into the big wide world of OB-land.

I wasn’t expecting the heartbeat to look so much like–well, a heart? A human heart beating?–and I was so moved I couldn’t say anything as we watched it on the screen. Just holy, silent tears. I felt the swell of overwhelming love that I feel for my dog (which, to be fair, is the extent of my experience with maternal love so far), and the whole sensation was so pleasurable that I was bummed when the tech pulled out the wand and pronounced us “graduated.” I could have watched for hours.

7w3d

I called our new OB office as soon as we got home, and got an appointment with a nurse practitioner on the books for May 11. We don’t get to see the actual OB (and get another scan) until 12 weeks, which feels SO far away.

On the symptoms front, I am full-fledged nauseated. All day every day, and all night, too. It started Friday afternoon and hasn’t let up. I get very confused, because historically when I am nauseated, it is because I am sick, and thus the rules are:

1. Pay attention to how you feel!
2. Get rest!
3. Don’t eat anything or you’ll throw up!

But the rules of pregnancy nausea are different, as I’m figuring out. They are:

1. Ignore it; it’s not going away for a long time!
2. Keep working and suck it up!
3. EAT SOMETHING NOW OR YOU’LL THROW UP!

I have so many food aversions it’s hard to find things I can stomach, but I’m learning that grazing on crackers and apples all day long helps keep everything down. Also I only want red meat, which is odd for me as a mostly-vegetarian. Very counterintuitive. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping at night because I’m too nauseated to lie on my side or back; I have to sit up, and between the positioning and the nonstop vivid dreams, I’m pretty cranky and tired all the time.

My acupuncturist gave me acupressure bracelets, and I’ve been sipping peppermint tea and ginger ale. Also thinking about that little beating frog heart helps a lot. Any other tips for dealing with the nausea? (which, I want to add, is TOTALLY WORTH IT?)

Advertisements

6w3d

Not much to report.

I’m not sure if the 12+ months of failed cycles instilled in me a sense of futility about childbearing, or if this is the way all women feel, but this pregnancy still does not feel “real” to me. I find myself expecting things to go wrong, to find out that parenthood is still out of my reach.

But then there are random moments where I feel really optimistic. We’re having a baby! In December! For sure!

One more week until our first ultrasound. I already know I’m going to bawl my eyes out, no matter what happens. A heartbeat or no heartbeat–either one is going to make me a basket case.

I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks since we got our second beta. Symptoms have definitely kicked in, but overall they haven’t been unbearable. The worst so far is the exhaustion and the constipation. I get waves of nausea randomly, but no throwing up yet. I either don’t have an appetite at all, or I am ravenously hungry for one specific thing, and as soon as I finish eating it I never want to have it again. Also I feel that any emotion, good or bad, can be expressed with tears, and I have this weird red rash on my face/neck. There’s definitely no bump or bloating yet; if anything, I’ve lost a few pounds because I don’t eat much. Random cramping here and there that feels different every time.

I didn’t expect so many symptoms so early on, and I’m a little dismayed at how much I’ve had to rely on my wife to take care of dinner, walk the dog, etc. so I can rest. She’s glad to do it, and unbelievably supportive and nurturing, but I feel guilty about being so tired all the time.

We haven’t told our families yet. My mom has a history of miscarriages, and I have a blood-clotting disorder that increases my own risk, so we want to make sure there’s a heartbeat before getting anyone’s hopes up. I already know I’m going to cry for that phone call, too.

Oh–and how cool that Fertility Friend turns into a pregnancy tracker app when you get pregnant! I love opening it every morning to see how big baby is and read tips from new moms.

One more week!

Good news and new fears

My RE was so happy to tell me the good news that she called me herself today: My beta is 202!

To which I said: WHEW.

I had a sinking feeling last week, at 5dp5dt, that this cycle hadn’t worked. After about 6 weeks of side effects from the meds, I woke up feeling pretty normal. So I took a test, and it was negative. My wife and I were crushed. She took the dog for a walk while I started cooking dinner. And I don’t know what happened, but by the time she returned I was convinced the test had been wrong. I was POSITIVE I was pregnant, and I told her so. She was skeptical.

So we tested again the next day with a Dollar Tree cheapie and got a faint positive. And again the next day. Still she was skeptical. Until 8dp5dt, when I woke up to this big fat beauty:

image

And as awesome as it feels, now the real fears are setting in. Ectopic, chemical, miscarriage are all words that are bouncing around in my head (and unfortunately cluttering my Google search history).

But I’m trying to stay positive. Because OMG we’re pregnant!