6w3d

Not much to report.

I’m not sure if the 12+ months of failed cycles instilled in me a sense of futility about childbearing, or if this is the way all women feel, but this pregnancy still does not feel “real” to me. I find myself expecting things to go wrong, to find out that parenthood is still out of my reach.

But then there are random moments where I feel really optimistic. We’re having a baby! In December! For sure!

One more week until our first ultrasound. I already know I’m going to bawl my eyes out, no matter what happens. A heartbeat or no heartbeat–either one is going to make me a basket case.

I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks since we got our second beta. Symptoms have definitely kicked in, but overall they haven’t been unbearable. The worst so far is the exhaustion and the constipation. I get waves of nausea randomly, but no throwing up yet. I either don’t have an appetite at all, or I am ravenously hungry for one specific thing, and as soon as I finish eating it I never want to have it again. Also I feel that any emotion, good or bad, can be expressed with tears, and I have this weird red rash on my face/neck. There’s definitely no bump or bloating yet; if anything, I’ve lost a few pounds because I don’t eat much. Random cramping here and there that feels different every time.

I didn’t expect so many symptoms so early on, and I’m a little dismayed at how much I’ve had to rely on my wife to take care of dinner, walk the dog, etc. so I can rest. She’s glad to do it, and unbelievably supportive and nurturing, but I feel guilty about being so tired all the time.

We haven’t told our families yet. My mom has a history of miscarriages, and I have a blood-clotting disorder that increases my own risk, so we want to make sure there’s a heartbeat before getting anyone’s hopes up. I already know I’m going to cry for that phone call, too.

Oh–and how cool that Fertility Friend turns into a pregnancy tracker app when you get pregnant! I love opening it every morning to see how big baby is and read tips from new moms.

One more week!

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14 comments

  1. My first pregnancy was easily come by (as opposed to this second one I’m trying to get) and even then I felt like it wasn’t really real during the first trimester. And I checked my knickers for trouble every time I went to the loo! So what you are feeling is super normal as far as I’m concerned. Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly from here. Sounds pretty good so far!

    1. As much as I hate to hear that other women were/are anxious, it is definitely a comfort to know I’m not the only one. Thank you!

  2. We can absolutely relate. We just had our first and second Beta this week and still cannot believe it’s real due to all of those negatives leading up to this one positive.

    Congrats! This journey is, has been, incredibly memorable! Wishing you the best of luck!!

  3. I’m right there with you, though a week and one day behind you. I’ve settled into the aches and pains in my uterus, but everyday, multiple times a day a worry pops into my head. I almost want to buy more HPTs just to re-assure myself for the next few weeks.

    Sending you lots of comforting, calming, de-stressing thoughts πŸ™‚

  4. FF only lasts as a pregnancy tracker as long as your subscribed for. I had lots of symptoms very early on and all at once. I’m 20 weeks and it still doesn’t feel real all of the time. I think that’s normal from what over heard. Hope the first tri flys by for you with all good news!

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