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Loss

Yesterday we went in for our 11-week checkup and learned that our baby had died. The heart stopped beating. Mine too I think.

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Chugging along at 9w2d

Not too much to report, other than that the nausea and headaches been constant and unforgiving. And the DREAMS! I feel so exhausted every morning when I wake up, because the whole night has been fraught with complicated narratives and long-forgotten memories. Vivid images from summer camp, lyrics from songs I haven’t heard in fifteen years–it’s like my childhood is unfolding again before my eyes.

I had my first prenatal visit with an NP on Monday. I had a little wriggling hope that she might try to Doppler me, but it was just an hour of questions: Do I smoke? Am I depressed? Have I had a flu shot?

Then she plopped a 200-page booklet on pregnancy and child-rearing on my lap, and I began to feel a little overwhelmed as I flipped through it. There are so many things to consider! In-rooming, breastfeeding, natural delivery, etc. etc. I feel like anything beyond the first trimester still feels a little unreal.

We have our nuchal translucency scan and 12-week ultrasound scheduled for June 3. My wife and I were at first a little unsure whether we wanted to do any screening at all, but my parents had a daughter with spina bifida before I was born, and as the weeks go by I feel a little more nervous and want to be prepared for anything.

Other than that, I feel crappy most of the time, exhausted and sick, but with this underpinning of excruciating joy. It’s a bizarre feeling. I tear up at everything in the world, which I just now realized is SO beautiful.

Also, my belly has started to poke out down low, over my uterus, though I’ve actually lost 6 pounds. My wife made me a little nest in her office so I could take a nap on the floor during my lunch break today. Life is good.

6w3d

Not much to report.

I’m not sure if the 12+ months of failed cycles instilled in me a sense of futility about childbearing, or if this is the way all women feel, but this pregnancy still does not feel “real” to me. I find myself expecting things to go wrong, to find out that parenthood is still out of my reach.

But then there are random moments where I feel really optimistic. We’re having a baby! In December! For sure!

One more week until our first ultrasound. I already know I’m going to bawl my eyes out, no matter what happens. A heartbeat or no heartbeat–either one is going to make me a basket case.

I can’t believe it’s only been two weeks since we got our second beta. Symptoms have definitely kicked in, but overall they haven’t been unbearable. The worst so far is the exhaustion and the constipation. I get waves of nausea randomly, but no throwing up yet. I either don’t have an appetite at all, or I am ravenously hungry for one specific thing, and as soon as I finish eating it I never want to have it again. Also I feel that any emotion, good or bad, can be expressed with tears, and I have this weird red rash on my face/neck. There’s definitely no bump or bloating yet; if anything, I’ve lost a few pounds because I don’t eat much. Random cramping here and there that feels different every time.

I didn’t expect so many symptoms so early on, and I’m a little dismayed at how much I’ve had to rely on my wife to take care of dinner, walk the dog, etc. so I can rest. She’s glad to do it, and unbelievably supportive and nurturing, but I feel guilty about being so tired all the time.

We haven’t told our families yet. My mom has a history of miscarriages, and I have a blood-clotting disorder that increases my own risk, so we want to make sure there’s a heartbeat before getting anyone’s hopes up. I already know I’m going to cry for that phone call, too.

Oh–and how cool that Fertility Friend turns into a pregnancy tracker app when you get pregnant! I love opening it every morning to see how big baby is and read tips from new moms.

One more week!

Good news and new fears

My RE was so happy to tell me the good news that she called me herself today: My beta is 202!

To which I said: WHEW.

I had a sinking feeling last week, at 5dp5dt, that this cycle hadn’t worked. After about 6 weeks of side effects from the meds, I woke up feeling pretty normal. So I took a test, and it was negative. My wife and I were crushed. She took the dog for a walk while I started cooking dinner. And I don’t know what happened, but by the time she returned I was convinced the test had been wrong. I was POSITIVE I was pregnant, and I told her so. She was skeptical.

So we tested again the next day with a Dollar Tree cheapie and got a faint positive. And again the next day. Still she was skeptical. Until 8dp5dt, when I woke up to this big fat beauty:

image

And as awesome as it feels, now the real fears are setting in. Ectopic, chemical, miscarriage are all words that are bouncing around in my head (and unfortunately cluttering my Google search history).

But I’m trying to stay positive. Because OMG we’re pregnant!

Egg retrieval and BLOAT

Egg retrieval went well–they got 20 eggs, 17 of which were mature and 14 of which fertilized. Statistically only 30-50% of those 14 embryos will make it to Friday (transfer day), but I’m hoping we have some left to freeze.

(I cried a little bit before they put me under, because I felt nervous and vulnerable and didn’t want to leave my wife in the waiting room. The anesthetist was very kind and brought in a super warm blanket to cover me up until I felt comfortable. Looking back, I think I might have had a “luxury” IVF experience, with lots of coddling from everyone, LOTS of drugs, and a fancy private bathroom with candles lit, where I emptied out my bladder and the last of my tears before the procedure.)

I’m also hoping, in general, that I’ll be in good enough shape for a Friday transfer. I currently look like I’m 4 months pregnant with this insane bloating. I haven’t felt very good since retrieval, but I’m keeping up with the 80g protein/day they recommended (!!) and lots of water. My doctor gave me Cabergoline to help with hyperstimulation symptoms, but between that, the progesterone, the antibiotic, and the Fentanyl, I don’t think I’ll ever go to the bathroom again. I’m feeling pretty miserable and even stayed home from work today.

I don’t think I have OHSS–or if I do, it’s mild–but I am a little surprised at how shitty I feel. It’s hard to walk upright, and my belly is tender to the touch. Acupuncture today was rough. I’m usually more resilient than this, and for some reason I had thought that retrieval would be a breeze. But–onward!

Stims day 6 – and now I get it

Today is my 6th day of stims and things feel like they have shifted. I am definitely bloated, and my belly is so sore and bruised it’s hard to find a good spot for the (3!) shots we have to do every day. I feel okay in the mornings, but as the day progresses the pain in my ovaries gets stronger. Yesterday I was in an all-day meditation retreat and had to wear my wife’s pajama pants because I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting all day in my jeans. By the end of the day I was lowering myself into chairs slowly like I was 9 months pregnant.

But these are good signs! My estrogen level more than quadrupled from Thursday to Saturday, which was a huge relief, since it was a slow go at first. I start going in for daily ultrasounds tomorrow until we trigger on probably Thursday or so. So it looks like retrieval will happen next weekend! I can’t wait to get these eggs out of me and scrambled up.

Hoping my IVF buddies out there are doing well…